My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
