Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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