I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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