my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
