I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
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Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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