he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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