Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
