I will die if light touches me.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
