these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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