I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
