so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
