Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
