I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
