whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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