so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
