If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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