He uses pillows to masturbate.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
