I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
