you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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