dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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