life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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