I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
