Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
