Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
