Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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