God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
