i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
