i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
