Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fuck appropriateness.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
