I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
