a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
