You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
