Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
