If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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