Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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