last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
