I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
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At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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