it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i believe in u and ur pee
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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