I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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