guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
