I wish I only lived at night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
