My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
