I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
