Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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