I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
