I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
