Pappa wants mamma naked
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
