Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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