I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
