please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
