i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
