i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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