I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
