I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Success! We fucked roommates!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
