So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
