You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
