ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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