My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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