i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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