Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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