I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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