i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
