But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
