Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He had one of those small greek statue penises
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
